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I feel like there is so much I want to say…but I can’t find the words right now. So I think quotes will have to do.
” If you can imagine fighting your way through a howling gale and then stepping into a soundproof room and shutting the door, then I can begin to describe the transistion wrought…” “Then I strip my mustard-ugly robe, step into the scalding, scouring heat of the shower, and wash away the evidence in a froth of Clairol’s Hearbal Essence shampoo.” –Caroline Kettlewell, Skin Game.
“Through me the way into the suffering city, through me the way to eternal pain, through me the way that runs among the lost. Justice urged on my high artificer; my maker was Divine Authority, the Highest Wisdom, and the Primal Love. Before me, nothing but eternal things were made, and I endure eternally. Abandon every hope, who enter here.” –Dante’s Inferno.
“When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.” –Friedrich Nietzsche
“As for my own life, I’m still battling my civil war against the tyrants….Life seems so odd to me now. The people who love us can’t always help us. And the people who do help us sometimes need more in return than we’re capable of giving.” –Terry Spencer Hesser, Kissing Doorknobs.
over the hearache that they say never completely goes away.
What hapened to us? I heard that it’s me we should blame. What happened to us? Why didn’t you stop me from turning out this way? And know that I don’t hate you, and, know that I don’t want to fight you. And know I’ll always love you, but right now I just don’t…
–Relient K
“Not dealing with it will make it harder.” “Don’t blame yourself.”
Yeah…I’ll get right on it.
I really don’t see how anything could get any worse right now. It’s like drinking yourself sober…maybe it’ll get so bad that it’s better.
Fuck me.
Here’s the thing: I can’t stop thinking about all of this. This entire ordeal is constantly on my mind. I can’t really form everything into words that I’m feeling, and I feel dumb trying, but I really just need to get it out there.
I feel completely torn. I want him to know that I still love him, and I feel bad because I haven’t called him. But apparently, he’s able to call us. And I feel sad, because I don’t want him to think that I hate him. But I think such is the case. Additionally, I know that she is doing her best, but I feel like I’m–or rather we aren’t–supporting her enough. I feel like she feels that she’s all alone in this.
And the entire time my heart has just been aching. Like when you are so sad that you can’t find the words, like when you’re crying so hard that you can’t breathe. I feel like there is this hollow space inside of me, and it just hurts more and gets bigger with every mention of moving or either of them and their “relationship.”
I just feel like lying in my bed and crying myself to sleep, and then sleeping until it’s all over and back to “normal.” I cannot wholeheartedly focus on anything for a long period of time. It always comes back to this. Like the recurring nightmare where you fall off a ledge and jolt awake, or the sordid daydream that you can’t get out of your head in the middle of class.
All of these metaphors, yet none of them truly describe how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. If there were just a way for me to “give up,” maybe push the restart button or wipe the board clean…Everyday I just think, “OK, I’m trying to take it one day at a time, but it’s not working.”
I just need everything to be ok. Not for people to tell me that it will be ok, but for everything to actually be fine. I can’t envision that right now. I can’t even fathom that “fine” will ever be feasible right now. Yes, I greatly appreciate everyone being there for me, but I feel like they (most of them, anyway) don’t understand. And I feel like they’re just being here to be here. “Don’t just be here to be here.” I know everyone deals with their own messes and problems, and that they probably have their own to tend to.
Honestly, the only thing that I want right now is for someone to just hold me and tell me that, yeah, this fucking sucks, but that they’re here. And that they won’t leave. And that it’s not my fault.
More than anything, though, I just want to believe it.
I’m sick of life.
Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.
