I’m flailing away up here like a puppet on crack.

I don’t know what to do. Every night, he’s in my dreams. It’s absurd, really. I’m not sure why this is. Maybe it’s because I think about that crap all the time…maybe it’s because every other song I hear, from “When You’re Gone” to anything by anyone in the 70’s, reminds me of him…maybe it’s because deep down I do want to talk to him.

I have no idea what I would say. And the longer I wait the more awkward it will be if I do ever talk to him. I played along the first few days, but I don’t want to get more caught in the middle than I already am. I don’t need to hear contrasting accounts from someone who did what he did. I mean, how much do I really trust him?

I used to want this, to have him out of my life. That was back in the day…like sophomore year and on. He’s the cause of a lot of shit I dealt with or am dealing with. But that doesn’t mean I should, in fact, have him out of my life, does it? It doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore, does it?

I thought when I left that everything would get better, that I wouldn’t think about it as much, if at all. The truth of the matter is that I think about it all the time, just as much as I did at home, if not more. Suellen was right: ignoring it doesn’t make it any easier or better.

I just wish it would.