I’m sick. A mix of influenzas a and b…fun times, I know. So while I’m not sleeping, I’m watching TV or thinking. Right now, I’m watching WE “My big fat fabulous wedding.” What do you do with all that stuff after the wedding, like table decorations that aren’t floral, or other decorations, or the dress? Really, weddings are a waste of time and money. In fact, why do people get married at all? Why do you need to change your name and get a certificate to show that you are committed to someone (other than the obvious benefits)?

The song “Something” from the movie Across the Universe has gotten me thinking also. Fuck marriage. Really? There’s no point. People get along fine without it (look at Dr. Cox on Scrubs). It’s expensive and just ties people down. It fucks with an already good thing.

There’s a bridge. What do you do on a bridge? It’s a long, tall bridge…all that’s underneath it is hard, frozen ground.

There’s a road. It curves. What if I choose not to…?

My thought process is really fucked up right now, but I’m working on it I guess…

Just a forethought: I do not mean to offend anyone with this post.

So yeah, we have President’s Day, and other national holidays, but why MLK Jr. day? And why do some get off work and school for it? Don’t get me wrong, Dr. King was an amazing activist and man, but so was Lincoln, Roosevelt, etc. They don’t get a national holiday. Does race play a factor? Is it like the reparations for years of segregation, slavery, and mistreatment? Or does the nation really honor MLK Jr. for more than just because they get an extended weekend? I doubt it, personally.

So then, the question: do we give more people posthumous recognition through national holidays? should we? should we get rid of MLK Jr. day?

Ok, so all theories and such aside, why did God make people different colors? I know about the Tower of Babel explanation, the Flood explanation, the Adam and Eve theory, and the “End-of-the-World” explanation…

I just don’t understand why He would make people so different when He knew there would be suffering and oppression because of it.

Ok, so I finally became content with where I am, and I decide on something different.  I love being a sociology major, but I would really like to add women’s studies as my second major.  Here’s the thing though: Doane doesn’t have a women’s studies major. I really do not want to transfer, because if I did, it would be to UNL. I don’t know how to work this out…

Help!

P.S. Happy New Year!

It’s Christmas Eve, and I believe I’m in the worst mood possible right now. And really, I should be thankful, ya know, it’s Christmas. It’s just I’m tired of my grandma always thinking she’s right and such. The whole airport ordeal yesterday really got on my nerves.

Then there’s my dad. This is my first Christmas without him, and it’s really emotional. For me. Just thinking about it makes me want to chase a double dose of hydro. with a shot of Jose.  And I’m so tired of talking about it because I just hear the same old thing from people every time. I just don’t want any more “I’m sorry’s” or “it’ll be ok’s” or anything like that. I just like so hard to explain what all of this feels like. My heart hurts. Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna puke it up, other times I just want to stab it to make it stop hurting. And no one knows what it’s like. My friends are “there for me,” but I can’t think of one of them who has gone through anything similar to this. And that’s kind of what I need. (…and the one person that i can talk to about this was unreachable tonight…)

I don’t know. I should be grateful for everything I do have, but right now, I’m just so sad.

I do wish everyone a merry Christmas, though.

I’m going “home” tomorrow. It’ll be an interesting Christmas break. My dad’s going “home” tomorrow, too. I just don’t even know. I’m kind of upset right now, but that could be a lot of factors (one of which being Boone’s Farm). I’m just tired of trying…whatev.

Oh, to be candid for once. Here goes.

Tonight has been one of the worst nights in a while. I don’t know why, I’m just upset. I could give you a plethora of reasons, but they would be right or true. Maybe part of it has to do with the book I’m reading, or the movie I watched, or the conversations I had. Maybe I’m just stressed. Whatever it is, tonight has been a tough one. I’m kind of glad that Katie went out and Revel went to bed, because I got alone time, but maybe I should have figured out something to do.

And the feeling is so hard to explain–yeah, I’ve tried before. I hate it when people ask what’s wrong and I either say “I don’t know” which they don’t believe or “[enter random reason that sounds good]” which is probably not true at all. I feel like a bad friend, girlfriend, person because I can’t communicate how I feel. So I try to be happy, I play happy, but then I’m alone and it all comes out. Like right now, I don’t want to go to bed, because I know it’s just going to get worse. I guess it is said though, “I cannot fathom the plateau without first the pit.” (Project 86) But I hate the pit, because I fall in when I least expect it.

I just wish I were normal and things were OK, and that I didn’t have these extreme mood swings. I feel shitty about putting everyone else through it (even though I just try to avoid them so that they won’t have to) and I hate going through it myself. I just want a day where I can just get everything out there and just get rid of it, all of these feelings and the ones behind them. It’s just an endless circle anyway, like I don’t feel good enough (in new aspects that I just realized), I’m scared, I don’t trust myself, and other things. I just want to say “fuck it all” and not worry about it, but it doesn’t work that way. Even when I pray about it…sometimes I just feel worse. (Though, the most encouraging verse for me is 2 Corinthians 1:3-7.) I just feel like I’m complaining.

I just need to remember and believe that “I am loved.”

I just need an “it’s going to be OK” and believe it…

And maybe a hug.

I got my tattoo. It’s cool.

One of those nights…hmm…